As you know, we'll be going to Berastagi not only for mission work but to teach the Indonesians how to become a G12 cell church too. It will be exciting. Anyway, both of us have been asked to do a workshop on the 5 languages of love both for the churches and the non believers in the community. I like to share with you both the 'love handles'.
Is there really a specific way to show love to a person? After so many couple-counselling & years of marriage, I know there is. It is possible to be loved by someone but y-e-t not feel loved by him/her. The way in which a person shows love to someone, is likely, how he/she would like to be shown that they are loved. This is the love language. So discover your partner's love language, it really does miraculous things for the relationship. Trust me!
Most people have 2 love languages, one primary & one secondary. Our primary love language tends to stay with us for a lifetime just like our personality traits that developed early & remain consistent. For eg your primary love lang may be Words of Affirmation but if you are a mother of 4 young children, then Acts of Service by your husband will become very attractive to you. If he gives you Words of Affirmation without helping you with the household chores or minding the children, then you may begin to feel, "I'm tired of hearing you say 'I love you' when you never lift a finger to help me!" During those years, Acts of Service will become important & this will become your secondary love language.
Your dad & I learnt about the love language when we started conducting marriage preparation course for the public in 1999. From the start of our marriage, your dad was already asking for words of affirmation through his endless questions like "do you love me?" or "do you think I'm good at this?" I constantly find myself having to affirm him- those words really brought 'life' to him. Like most men, he didnt receive affirmations from his parents & that lack caused him to be uncertain about himself. He doesnt ask for it so much now as his confidence now comes from the Word of God! See how impt the Word is?
To your dad, actions dont speak louder than words. To me, actions speak very much louder than words. I didnt need a lot of reassurances from him. Three words of his "I love U" could last me for 6 months as long as he did things for me, especially when I did not ask for it. For eg, in the early yrs of marriage, just minding the children while I go out with my friends, giving me a lift to somewh or ironing the clothes would touch my heart. That's because my mum showed her love by going out of her way to do things for me as a child. She did not have to sacrifice her personal time to do acts of service but she did it anyway. So besides Acts of Service, quality time is my secondary love language. I think your dad has only 1 love language.
How can you discover your partner's language of love?
• How does he/she most often express love to others?
• What does he/she complain about most often?
• What does he/she request most often?
Anyway, the 5 Languages of Love are :
(1) WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Love comes in the form of genuine compliments, acknowledgements & encouragements & has to be done constantly. Nothing else will do for you. In other words, you can go through a whole day happily when you receive a positive word like the ones below or a specific word given to you from the bible. Words can be 'spoken' in short notes. In letters, tone is warm & voice is sincere & gentle without sounding like a biz plan. Negative words should be avoided coz it really really hurts.
Specifics:
- What a nice dress!
- I love you for who you are.
- I appreciate it that you took out the trash without being asked.
- You are a generous person
- You can do it because God is with you
- Thank You! You really did a great job on that. I appreciate it.
More Specifics:
- your partner shares about a recent success you had or an admirable personality trait of yours while talking to friends during a party
- words that build you up
(2) QUALITY TIME
Love is focusing your attention on that person like in an open communication where listening & speaking are important. It's about spending time together, however, it does not mean that you are surfing the internet in one room and he/she watching a TV show in another room. It's also about doing things together; this time is not shared with others.
Specifics :
- your spouse kidnaps you for lunch and takes you to your favourite restaurant
- your friend invites you to go for a leisurely walk just to chat
- your partner plans a special night out, a picnic or a weekend getaway just for the 2 of you
More Specifics :
- I get lonely & begin to feel uncared about if I cant hang out with someone I love
- I feel complete when I spend time with people I love
- I show people I care by being with them
- I expect others who care about me to spend their time with me
(3) GIFTS
Some people see gifts, irregardless of their cost, as an act of love. So is this where money is spent on expensive gifts? Well, not really. A hand-made card, a stalk of lily is enough to make her smile cos you ingrain it with your love & good thoughts. The object is a symbol of a person's love. That's what's important.
Specifics :
- sends you a gift when there's no occasion for it
- brings you a surprise treat from your favourite food stall
- i was thinking about you; i wanted you to have this
(4) ACTS OF SERVICE
Can sweeping the floor really be an act of love? Definitely yes! Anything someone does for you to ease your burden of responsibilities will speak volumes. Broken commitment or promises or making more work for you tells you that your feelings dont matter. Doing acts of services needs to be done joyfully in order for it to be perceived as acts of love.
Specifics :
- would it be possible for you to mop the floor this afternoon?
- thanks for checking my car over before i leave on a business trip
- isn't my husband thoughtful? he looks after the children so that i can have some time with my friends
More Specifics:
- I often feel special, significant & useful when I help others
- I often feel upset when others dont help me out much less offer to do anything
- I show affection by doing things for others
- I dont usually ask for help, but when someone does something for me, I feel really cherished
(5) PHYSICAL TOUCH
In marriage, this language isnt all about sexual intimacy. For men, sexual response is generally linked to physical contact. A husband's desire for sexual contact should not be confused with physical touch being his primary love language.
You simply feel loved & comforted by being in close physical contact with your partner. Usually, you'll need a hug more than a new bag. The best gift a partner can give to you is himself/herself.
Specifics :
- gives you a massage
- makes it a point to embrace & kiss you before leaving the house
- gives you a hug just because he/she is passing by you in the room
- holds your hands especially in public
More Specifics:
- I feel awful about myself when people I love dont touch me
- I give & expect in return hugs, pats, kisses & other physical signs of affection
- I feel especially warm & appreciative when another touches me in a meaningful way
Mark 12:30-31 "LOve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul & with all your mind & with all your strength. The 2nd is this, Love your neighbour as yourself. There is no commandment greater than this."
We cant love well on our own. We can only give unconditional love to others if we have God's love in our hearts. How? Obey Him when you read His Word then you will show that you love God with all your heart, soul, mind & with all your strength.
Love U
Mum